Grief Journey

Grief Journey,

Since Zachary’s passing I’ve had the surprising honor of connecting with quite a few grieving mothers.  There are no coincidences or accidents in my world so I know my sharing of my experience with grief has the possibility to help others on a similar journey as my own. This is not limited to Mom’s but my experience is as a mother so for Dad’s, siblings, extended family and friends etc. I’m sure there will be relatedness as well, take what speaks to you.

This has been the longest most challenging 8 months of my life, the physical “permanent” separation from my child in the realm of time and space. The journey through these 8 months has been one of deliberate observation of my experience, what works for me, what helps relieve the pain, what moves me from one second to the next, one moment to the next, one day to the next…  It has not been a journey of right and wrong as there isn’t one.

I observed right away that talking about Zach makes my heart light. The words death and dead made me feel that way so I choose not to use them.  I discovered that immersing myself in kindness through the Make a Wave Project opened a place in me that existed before Zachary passed, a place I didn’t know I would be able to get to again.  I found that stillness and breathing moved me through the most excruciating periods of time. I experienced relief when I honored my emotions and let the tears flow when they wanted to flow and found that a good mix of spending time with others and being alone was the best mix for me. I learned that it was ok to do it my way and in so doing gave myself permission to keep Zachary very much alive and with me always.  His passing is not something to get over or get beyond, it is a shift in the way we will spend the rest of time here on earth together.  He will stay forever present in my heart and mind and I will enjoy his presence that is with me now in a different way.  I enjoy feeling his arms around me, I enjoy hearing the little things he whispers to me in just his way, and I love the pranks and creative ways he is engaging with me now. I’m aware of his personality in all of them.   Looking at pictures and watching video clips of Zach makes me smile! 

For me searching for relief and closure did not resonate with me nor did it make me feel better.  I imagine it is possible to shut down, disconnect, escape at least consciously but for what end result?  Zachary is my boy and I am his Mom and I love him forever and forever is exactly where he will stay with me in my mind and heart.  From my heart to yours for those who walk my journey <3